


'to feel; to live'

by CastelloFlare



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Sex, M/M, Remembering the Dead, eruri - Freeform, kinda angsty, talking in bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-10
Updated: 2013-08-10
Packaged: 2017-12-23 00:47:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/920015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CastelloFlare/pseuds/CastelloFlare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘As much as I am brave, I am also afraid.’</p>
            </blockquote>





	'to feel; to live'

It had become an unwritten and unspoken tradition between Erwin and Levi to fuck after every expedition outside the walls. The mental torture stemming from survivor’s guilt and witnessing so many deaths during every trip would definitely take a toll on one’s sanity, and these two were no exception to this. To cope with such circumstances, these two had started drinking with themselves, another tradition which had escalated into something that was just supposed to be limited to the living room to the bed.

Alcohol is alcohol, and as the grown men that they were, they had let the beer take them to a different kind of high, and one thing just led to the other. At first they had convinced themselves that it was just a mistake, a one-time thing that came naturally with them being drunk. This denial didn’t last very long as they discovered that they could not run away from their own carnal desires, and they did it over and over again until it was part of the norm.

Fucking was a way in which they could make each other feel that they were alive, and at the same time it was an escape from the harsh reality that was the world itself and its many problems. It was an outlet, a way for them to lick and heal each others’ wounds and at the same time relish the sensations that made them feel that they were still living, that they were still human amidst all the slaughter and hostility. After all, pain was the best way with which to know you’re alive, and sex was the medium that proved best to accommodate that pain.

They had just started doing it even without having returned from an expedition; during the day they would restrain themselves from engaging in such activities but after work, when the two of them would spend the night at each others’ respective residences, they would unleash all the sexual tension they had kept hidden the whole morning.

This night was as such, and they had just closed the door into the Commander’s private quarters when Erwin grabbed Levi’s chin and pulled him in for a deep, wet kiss. Levi’s legs buckled underneath him, and he grabbed onto the other man’s shoulder to keep himself from melting to the wooden floor.

“The world might be shocked when they find out that humanity’s strongest soldier becomes weak in the knees with just a kiss,” Erwin joked after they pulled apart for some air.

“Shut up,” Levi said with half-lidded eyes that were already filled with lust and need.

Erwin started undressing the younger man’s jacket and hung it on a nearby clothes rack. After having slept with Levi for so long, he already knew that leaving a pile of garments on the floor would upset his subordinate and would therefore ruin the mood for the whole night. They continued to undress each other down to their boots, all the while kissing and touching each other in places they knew, after much practice, were sensitive and ticklish.

It took them mere seconds before they got themselves to the bed, tangled in the sheets, fully naked and wrapped in each other’s arms. They took their time with the foreplay, which was led by Erwin who wanted to tease his subordinate for a little bit, enjoying his impatience and eagerness to be filled by him. When they had enough, the blonde propped Levi’s legs on his shoulders and positioned himself between his welcoming legs, in between which nestled a very inviting puckered hole and a very hard and wet cock already dripping precum like a waterfall.

“… Ahh…!” Levi moaned as his ass opened up and wrapped around Erwin’s pulsating hot cock, which had begun its slow and agonizing descent towards the deep wet cavern. Levi’s nails dug into the commander’s back, leaving scratches and red marks in their wake as he clung onto him while being penetrated. He bit into Erwin’s shoulder, which the blond had just gotten used to, but still winced at the contact of his skin with Levi’s teeth.

Erwin started to move, slowly in and out, his movements escalating into a crescendo of continuous thrusts as he found more momentum in his actions. Both men were like partners in a dance, with Levi responding by rocking his hips to match his partner’s rhythm.

Erwin took hold of one of Levi’s butt cheeks, opening him up wider as he repeatedly rammed his cock into his partner’s ass with a mercilessness that mirrored how he would kill titans. Levi’s face contorted with the pain and pleasure, letting his satisfaction come out in moans that sounded all too erotic for Erwin to bear, making his desire to make his subordinate feel good escalate higher.

Together they drowned in ecstasy and pleasure, getting away from reality as they were getting much closer to it, to feeling alive as the various sensations coursed through every fiber of their bodies. They relished in the pain inflicted by the other, calling out each other’s names as they neared their climax…

 

Geoff.  
Herbert.  
Zach.  
Alfred.  
Subaru.  
Dmitri.  
Elise.  
Noah.  
Penelope.  
Suzuki.  
Arthur.  
Leonel.  
William.  
Oswald.  
Reinhart.  
Honda.  
Julio.  
Minerva.  
Quinn.  
Hazel.  
Mitabi.  
Ian.  
Gunter.  
Erd.  
Petra.  
Auruo.  
Rene.  
Henning.  
Gerger.  
Nanaba.  
Mike, and many more noble souls…

Erwin remembered every single one of them; their faces, their expressions brimming with hope, courage, and the determination to give the titans a taste of the power of humankind, and ultimately the unspeakable fright and dread, their whole lives flashing before them as they approached their impending deaths.

In Erwin’s mind, they were there; he could see them quite vividly, facing the sun and away from him, green cloaks dancing in the breeze, the wings of freedom embroidered on the fabric… they were finally free from this cage called life, but it doesn’t mean that those left alive will give up their will to fight. No, they wouldn’t give up and let their comrades die in vain.

Erwin shifted on his side and held Levi close, pressing their naked bodies together as he inhaled the rich scent of his hair, the very scent of the man himself. With his chest touching his subordinate’s bare back, he wondered if Levi could feel his heartbeat. They had been lying down for quite a while already, immersed in their own thoughts and letting the silence carry them both to their sleep.

“… What’s wrong with you?” came Levi’s voice, which didn’t seem irritated in the least, rather, he just sounded curious.

“Nothing,” said Erwin as he ran his fingers along the length of the corporal’s arms, stopping only when he found Levi’s hand and held it as if it was a lifeline, entwining their fingers together. He paused for a moment before burying his face in Levi’s hair, saying in a hushed manner, “… don’t die before me, Levi.” 

“W-what?” the corporal couldn’t hide the surprise and puzzle in his voice.

“That’s an order. Don’t die before me,” Erwin repeated himself, this time louder and clearer in order to give the impression that he was really enforcing this on his subordinate.

Humanity’s strongest soldier found himself at a loss for words as he took some time to absorb what he just heard. This was unexpected, the commander being… affectionate all of a sudden.

“I don’t understand.” He really didn’t. “What’s suddenly gotten into you?”

“… As much as I am brave, I am afraid. I am very afraid. There is never a moment that I stop thinking, and I always see the faces of our comrades and then I…” Erwin’s voice trailed off and his face grew dark as he searched himself for the words to say.

“I don’t want to stay up late one night in the future, thinking of you facing away from me, like them…”

“… I’m not going anywhere, idiot,” Levi said as he turned on his side and faced his commander. Their eyes met, and in that instant, the younger soldier flinched on reflex and correspondingly averted his eyes onto Erwin’s chest.

“What’s wrong?” This time, it was the blonde’s turn to ask.

“I find that even looking at you makes my face feel warm…” Levi confessed, his ears glowing red. In the next instant, he immediately regretted saying this after seeming so honest and vulnerable for a moment. “… You probably think I’m strange, don’t you.”

Because he was looking down, Levi didn’t see that the commander’s finely sculpted face was also quite flushed.

“… Recently, things have been strange for me, Levi. I’m strange. What we have between us, I think it’s gotten into me more than what I intended. I’m trapped in this ecstasy that only you could give, and I’m drowning fast, really fast. It’s something so new to me that I can’t control it, Levi, I... I think I—”

“Don’t say it,” Levi said, in a tone that betrayed his slim frame and displayed his assertiveness. His eyes blazed a different heat, and almost looked like they had tears in them. “Erwin… Don’t, please. Don’t make it harder for both of us when the time comes…”

Erwin fell silent for a while, weighing the other man’s words and repeating them over and over in his head, pondering and reflecting upon them. He placed his hand on Levi’s chin and tipped his head up so that they were face to face, eye to eye again. And he saw it reflected in his eyes; he needn’t say anything more.

Erwin came closer and pressed his lips onto Levi’s eyes, first the right and then the left, and then his lips. It wasn’t their usual fiery, wet kiss when they were turned on by each other. This time, it was a gentle and affectionate kiss, filled with the same passion as their other kisses, but conveyed a different message that they did not dare voice out loud, but completely knew what it meant.

… Like love’s first kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> Anyone noticed that I put some names of Japanese-branded cars in the list of fallen comrades?


End file.
